Thoughts on romance..

I’ve apparently survived Valentine’s Day…. we had an “Anti-V Day” celebration at the crisis center to mark the day…. seemed appropriate.  February, however, marks some new adventures, those being starting to figure out where I will fall on the romance spectrum; if you’re confused by this, what I mean is essentially what will be my sexual preference. Fun trying to figure that…

Toward the beginning of the month, I decided to place an ad on a certain website, just for kicks.  This solicitation was for persons of the male race.  While I got a multitude of responses, about 90% were trashed immediately.  Of the remainder, one turned out to be married, which to his credit, he admitted up-front.. next.  There were actually two serious candidates.  One turned out to be a 35 year-old commercial banker recently transplanted from Chicago, with a nice pedigree.  We exchanged several e-mails, he admitted this would be his first experience with a person of my “specialness,” and I told him it would be mine also.  For some reason, we never met up on the phone, which turned out to be fine anyway.  After telling me he was seeking a person to date, etc…. i.e. a girlfriend, after I kind of thought twice about him, he texts me one evening stating that my hormones must be “raging.” I texted him back saying no, it sounds like his are.  This line of conversation continued till he said something stupid, and I reminded him, “I thought you wanted a relationship, not to just get in my pants.”  To which, the reply, “no, in your mouth.”  Next…

The second person of interest was 28 years-old; am I approaching cradle-robbing age???  He was irish, had a nice cute pic, and was technology employed.  We exchanged a couple of e-mails, and I actually became very interested in him.  Again, he wished for someone to date, to perhaps have a relationship with.  One day, I sent him an e-mail, and never heard back, to this day….  Sigh…..

So, I asked some of my friends what they do, and I checked out this dating site and decided to give it a try – transgenderdate.com.  I created my profile, probably giving way more information than I perhaps should have, but I was totally honest both about myself and about what specifically I was looking for.  And I posted as my profile pic the image of me in my clubbing clothes, kinda being sexy.  In fact, my online name was “OneFoxyGal.”  Lol….  Again, a multitude of e-mails and “icebreakers,” and most were like three-word sentences, no name, no pic…. Duh….  One person of interest was an international banker based in Toronto.  We exchanged a few e-mails, and tried several times to meet up in chat.  I kept asking him for his pic; he sounded nice, said he was looking for a relationship and not sex, and traveled to NYC very frequently.  Finally, we managed to chat for a bit, and I just had this sneaking suspicion something was not cool.  He finally sent me his pic, and I think he was Thai, definitely not the Canadian I was hoping for.  Perhaps that seems discriminatory of me, but hey, there needs to exist some level of physical attraction, and it wasn’t there.  Doing my own search, I found what appeared to be an awesome profile; 38 years old, athletic and trim, graphic designer, very handsome and sexy, and he lived right in my town!  I sent him an intro e-mail, he replied, and well, that was basically that.  Not much else happened there, it seemed a waste of effort, and two weeks later, I canceled my account.

So let’s try being lesbian….  My friends – lesbian friends to say – had been inviting me to a local bar for several weeks.  So a couple of weeks ago, I finally decided to go.  I walk in to the place, looking around to find someone I recognize, looking for my life-raft.  Found them, and standing there talking with them, I notice this other woman there, my height, curly hair, young looking, vibrant.  We exchange glances, and continue to do so all night.  She speaks to my friend and ask if she thought I would mind being asked to dance… “she would live it.”  So we dance, which was nice.  After the dance, we’re standing around talking, she mentions something specific to me, and says “he..”  Ouch, that hurt.  she quickly corrected herself however.  And the evening was over.  The following week, I went back, we were there listening to a friend’s friend providing the music.  Now despite happenings, I was really attracted to this woman: she’s around my age, my height, great looks, more butch, young looking like me.  I think we would have made a good couple, at least look-wise.  She’s there, and eventually I ask her to dance.  As we’re dancing we’re conversing, and she asks me what I do for a living.  I tell her, then she says, “do you always dress this way or do you dress as a male for work?  Ouch…. I respectfully but forcefully tell her, “I am full-time, I am a woman but just born in the wrong body, which I am correcting.”  And that was basically that for the evening, and for this person….

Last weekend, I went to the local Pride Valentine’s Dance.  I invited a good friend, and I danced as I never have before, never leaving the floor all evening and in 2″ heels no less.  In fact, I dressed to the nines, and never felt as sexy.  My curly-haired friend was there, we said a quick hello, and I went my own way, mixing with my “posse” of friends for the evening.

I’ve also gotten my first taste of “lesbian drama.”  A friend, so I thought, started to show signs of wanting more than friendship.  Like hanging all over me one evening, dancing with me for most of the evening, making some suggestive conversation.  And again, more of the same at the dance night, in front of her partner no less, which made me feel very uncomfortable.  We have a conversation the following day about things – yes, I have some feeling for her – and she turns it around that because she would not have  an issue with my “issues,” I must have misinterpreted it to mean something else.  That she wants to be friends, she’s not leaving her partner, can’t do that to her….. Followed two days later by a very suggestive text message… Mind play, which is all the more uglier as right now I most definitely am vulnerable emotionally.  But, in talking with others and thinking it over, I recognize it for what it is and am not playing.  I hate being used, for sure… and what does tht say of the friendship?

So, my romantic adventures, while entertaining, have not been too productive.  This is one of the biggest singular challenges that I face, how to eventually find “the one,” who will he/she be, and all of that.  It’s difficult enough to date, let alone add in the complexities of what make me “me.”  And this is yet another reason why I wish to get surgery behind me sooner rather than later; it just makes things a bit less “complicated.”  It is also not a definitive guy/girl preference either.  Though I am now more inclined toward being lesbian, as I really do believe I am not going to get what I crave emotionally from a man.  So the voyage of discovery, as with many other aspects of my new life, continues.

On another note, I noticed when going to do my laundry and putting on a bra, that I now have recognizable breast growth.  I can fill out an A cup, finally, no slack… On a weird note, my right breast is more developed than my left, the node is larger, which Dr. McGinn also commented on during my consult.  Strange that….

The other evening, on the new Lisa Ling “Our America,” the episode was “Transgender Lives,” a look at five individuals on their own transformational journeys.  It was very interesting, and yet, for me for whatever reason, sad.  It triggered alot of emotion for me, and I so went off the cliff emotionally, calling around for my friends and finally reaching a good friend in Cali who was so very patient and kind, and just allowed me to vent, and to cry through it, and who offered encouraging and soothing words when I most needed.  My past… it’s the single largest unresolved issue that while I realize I must face, I choose not to.  Yes, my past has given the strength and the wherewithal that was necessary to do this, but…. I feel as it were such a waste, that I lived such a lie for so long, living as others wanted me to live.  And in the past couple of weeks, certain things with work have not helped that.  Truly, I would lock the door on that part of my “life” and never visit it again, ever.  Is this realistic thinking?  Of course not..  But it’s the best that I can do for now…