Dealing with life every day…

that is the routine.  I no longer feel special or whatnot, I simply am, and I am living a “normal” life now, with all of the typical life issues to address.  Albeit I am living authentically and attuned to myself for the first time in my entire life… I am being true to me and no longer living the lie that others had imposed upon me, and would do so again if they could.  That… makes it all the worthwhile.

With everything settling at work and everyone gaining some normalcy with regard to my transition, increasingly I see and feel my coworkers letting down their guard.  Which, interestingly, has resulted in an increase in pronoun, and the rare name, flub.  I mostly laugh off all of these, because I know the ones who slip are making an honest mistake and are  not being hurtful; I will typically poke fun at them in a playful, friendly, way, which helps to break the ice and not cause them embarrassment, which is affirming to see frankly because it’s a sign that they do care.  One of my supervisors a week or so ago came down to me to ask me a question, and called me by my old name… that hadn’t actually happened in a long time, and it simply brought a smile to my face.  I went over to him afterward and, laughingly, mentioned to please not feel badly or upset at all, it was all good and that it hadn’t happened in so long a time.  And, curiously, there have been two incidents where I’ve answered the outside line and gave my old surname…. those were “wow” moments lol.

But the other evening, I was working the midnight shift (and not sleeping or watching movies lol… yes, I’m an air traffic controller…), it was around 1;30 in the morning, we had been on since 10:30, and a coworker was in the area talking with another who I know.  I was sitting at the position I was working, and someone from another area came down with copies of flight plans, asking who was responsible and going to take the papers.  My coworker looks straight at me and says to her, “he’s got it,” meaning the position, and then he continued his conversation.  Didn’t even blink twice.  Now this person has always offered me his support at every point along my transition.  And I don’t honestly believe that it was done with intent, I think that it was merely just so late and not thinking.  But it stung, it really did.  And I really haven’t felt it as such beforehand, but for some reason, this really kind of hit me.

I have noticed yet another shift in my perspectives of things, I believe as the last vestiges of that “other” life burn and fall away.  I have become much more sensitive to relationships and their dynamics, both friendship oriented and intimately, and perhaps this may be one reason why this misappropriated pronoun affected me as it did.  All I know is that I take nothing for granted anymore… everything has changed and remains in a state of flux as I try to settle within myself and gain greater strength in being who I was always…. always… meant to be.

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Teagan
    May 24, 2011 @ 06:47:27

    I’m finding that people are only capable of so much, despite their best intentions, despite their level of support. We appear to be around the same time in our transitions, and like many of our sisters, are experiencing exactly the same thing. The sort of thing you speak of, the names, the pronouns, are getting harder for me to deal with, they do sting a little more, the more time I live as myself. Best of luck.

    Reply

    • Keri Marie
      May 27, 2011 @ 23:14:50

      I find myself being more forward with correcting, still making it more a fun thing with closer coworkers as opposed to getting all pissy…. It still is an adjustment yes but still… been 5 months. And I will correct people on the phone as well… thankfully not that that needs to be done much at all.

      Reply

  2. Miz Know-It-All
    May 26, 2011 @ 05:33:16

    K ,so this may be a ways back honey bu be that as it may, t I’ve got some sad news for you and that this post if a month old doesn’t change thing one iota. Miz Know-It-All feels it incumbent upon her as a maven of wisdom to let you know that the things you are seeing your co-workers doing, the slipped pronouns, the old name is simply honest expression by all those around you!

    Oh don’t get me wrong sweetie. It’s not that you are not a woman now, well at least we hope you’re a woman, but look. It is asking a LOT for us to expect folks to erase their memories, Having tried it from the other side, let me tell you its damn near impossible and it hasn’t a thing to do with respect. it just is! So bottom line, if they knew you from before, the best you can expect is for them to sorta meld the old and the new into a really nice guy who likes to play dress up and we humor him by addressing him as if it was real… Honest this is the other side of “acceptance” the little man behind the curtain… The great and powerful Oz doesn’t exist and neither does acceptance… The only way to get past that is to start fresh…

    Wishing you well Honey
    Miz Know-It-All

    Reply

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