Everything is our fault….. Our choice….

80 days as of today, and it’s reached the point to where all I think about is my pending corrective surgery and everything that needs to be done on the way there. I am getting excited about it, I cannot wait, I cannot wait to receive that corrected birth certificate. The end zone is squarely in sight.

And yet my immediate family continues to live under a rock, hoping the nightmare will go away… maybe if They ignore it, it will disappear…. They continue to dismiss everything about my life, continue to believe everything in the past two plus years was contrived, that my suicide was all simply a ploy to get her back… Of course, I walked away from my family, my children, I put my job and career at great risk of loss, I checked myself into a psych hospital, all as an act. Never mind the thousands in debt I incurred because of it, or the year or so of my life lost…

And of course, it was my -choice- to transition. My choice…. Yes, I made a choice, and that was to live, to not kill myself, amazingly a great part for my family. I -did not- have a choice…. It got to that point we all get to where I had to be done, there were no alternatives… well one perhaps, but I made the -decision- to transition, foolishly thinking that my family would rather me living and happy than dead. Nothing could be further from the truth apparently. And it is I who pushed them away, it is I who broke off all communication, it is I who told them not to send me a fathers day card, or text….. Yes, it is my fault….

Which we all know is living in fantasy land. They not only cannot be honest with me, they can’t be honest with themselves. While trying to pin everything on my pocketbook, they choose to totally overlook their role in everything, their ostracizing me, their decision to cut me off, as if I control their lives…. I would never wish to, it’s difficult enough to maintain control of my own at times. Yes, the truth hurts, and for some, it’s best to simply ignore it than be forced to deal, to do what’s right, what’s humane, what’s compassionate….

It defies all logic that family, the ones you devote significant parts of your life to, the ones you give everything to, can be so hurtful. Can express how understanding they are towards others and yet totally write you off… How they can say in one breath that they care for you, and a second later that they cannot deal with you right now. That it’s so much more difficult to deal with, and yet the haven’t expressed a single word of feeling towards you, even like, for over two years. I’m sick of all the hypocrisy, sick of all the hollow promises, all of the pretense. Tell me simply and truthfully you never wish to see me again, and let’s be done with it.

These are the issues that separate the girls from the women, the ability to, in spite of it all, continue to go forward, to push the envelope, to live for oneself despite the potential for loss. These are the issues that don’t get enough public awareness, the family reaction to their family member, the cutting off at the knees…. That we are the selfish ones. In the end, they all live in denial, they refuse to face the truth, they live with their heads in the sand, because it’s easier….

Good luck and best wishes I say….. I had no choice, I had to do this… And I would make the same decision tomorrow we’re it to come to that. This is my life’s single greatest accomplishment…. I fucking did it and I am living it…. And they will never take that away from me.


5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Anne
    Jul 14, 2011 @ 23:41:41

    “I had no choice, I had to do this… And I would make the same decision tomorrow we’re it to come to that. This is my life’s single greatest accomplishment…. I fucking did it and I am living it…. And they will never take that away from me”.~Keri

    For a very tiny minority, THIS IS IN FACT THE COLD HARD TRUTH.

    For many of us, there simply IS, no other way. It is sad that the limited fearful thinking of others, even those closest to us cannot face that very difficult reality.
    As I am sure you are very aware…This too shall pass. Might as well begin prepare for your life post-op.



  2. Calie
    Jul 17, 2011 @ 12:01:23

    Keri, I have been reading blog posts like this one for several years now. Looking back, it seems that in several cases, family has come back once the realization has hit them that their son/brother/etc. is, indeed, their daughter/sister/etc. For some, it has taken several years. Whether it is tomorrow or several years from now, when and if they do come back to you, I hope you have it in you to forgive.

    I blame my father for my current situation. I just don’t have it in me to forgive. I wish I did. He’s dead. While I don’t hate him, I hate much of what he stood for including his hatred of transsexuals and his hammering that into me daily that I couldn’t grow my hair long, had to act like a boy and not a fag, etc. I hope that by the time your parents go to the grave, forgiveness and understanding will have been the case.


    • Keri Marie
      Jul 18, 2011 @ 08:08:07

      That…. is a tough one. And it’s not just my transition that they’ve gone MIA over, so…. I’m certainly not going to wait around for them, and frankly, I don’t know how I will react – I think it may depend on how long it takes, how it happens, etc…. All I know is that -I- didn’t separate from them, it was they who choose to not see me, and, well I don’t know… It’s not like a year or whatever from now it would be like all is forgiven…. I’m not sure I will be able to do that, certainly if they continue to be blind to their own selfishness…


  3. liligayle
    Jul 20, 2011 @ 06:43:50

    . . . “How they can say in one breath that they care for you, and a second later that they cannot deal with you right now.” – –

    Thanks for your observations. Your statement here parallels my experience in transitioning. I can do little but have patience with my family, and accept the chance that things will get better regarding them (or not). I’ve noticed that they have all of these reasons that I should not, from selfishness to my age.

    For the first time in my life, I look on my family with a distant eye and find myself asking “Who are these people? Where do they get these ideas? Where did they get this sort of education, or lack thereof?”

    I’m well-educated. I’ve travelled all over the world. And I was told a few weeks ago that living here in the country represented a choice of lifestyle, and that I was no longer welcome here in this part of Texas.

    Beyond the hostility I felt from people I thought I loved and from others I thought I knew, I just had to laugh.

    (I’m posting this letter on my own blog, and linking to yours.)


    Gayle Culpepper


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